The dreaded C Word

Hi Guys

First my sincere apologies, I started writing these blogs then suddenly stopped and have not put words to screen for a few weeks now.

Unfortunately we have had a real crap time it all started with a trip to the doctors at the end of last month with a lump.....after some biopsies, a lot of blood loss, an infection and a lot of tears I got the news a couple of days ago that I have cancer. WTF! I am 33 years old, I have 3 kids this shit is not supposed to happen. As you can imagine its been a tough few weeks my body hates me right now and is in protest for putting it through so much crap. For someone who has a serious phobia of hospitals and PTSD because of some traumatic hospital stays in my childhood its made this whole process almost unbearable. But with a lot of fucking balls, a good husband and family I am still here and have not gone completely insane.

So where is it???? somewhere between my fanny and my piss tube, you know the one place where you feel totally embarrassed when the world and its grandma wants to check it out. The one place where I m now spending every half an hour in the bathroom having a quick wash just in case someone wants a peek. The one place I am now conscious that I have not trimmed the hedges for a couple of months because its winter and my bikini has been stored until summer. You would think that after having 3 kids you would feel less conscious about getting out your lady garden for a doctor. But no you still lay there hoping to god that I don't fart whilst he/she has their head and hands in places only my husband has been in the last 15 years.

Is it treatable?? At this point in time we think so. All the scans I have had so far show that it has not spread anywhere...I sobbed my heart out when they said it looks like its contained to that one area. Quite frankly they can rip that shit out its nowt but bloody trouble anyway. I have 3 kids and no plans for anymore, my bladder doesn't work anyway because of my paralysis so its not like I need any of it. It will mean less trips to the bathroom, less medical equipment blocking drawers that I could fill with make up, less packs of super absorbent tena pads that take up space in my bathroom cabinet and I can start wearing pants that don't scream granny or Bridget Jones because I currently need them to hold my catheter in! You know what this will mean.....I get to go shopping! I can hear my bank card crying already  😂.

How am I feeling?? Well this is the complicated bit, shit scared on one hand because I have cancer but relieved on the other that it has not spread. It is a common type of cancer and generally responds well to treatment. The staff at the local hospitals have been amazing with me so far and really trying to make this as easy for me as possible as they know how phobic I am which is not the best thing when it looks like the god dam place is going to become my latest recreation ground. Part of me is still worried because its Cancer for fucks sake the one word nobody ever wants to hear. But then part of me is preparing myself to fight just like I did after my spinal accident to prove that I can do this shit and I will do it in the same style I have tackled every obstacle in life like a bull in a china shop! Head up high, look straight ahead, focus on that goal and CHARGE!!!!!!!! My kids see me as a superhero because of all the challenges I have had to face and still here to tell the tale, yes with a few broken bones, legs and bladder that don't work, scars all over, and plenty of metal to hold me together...bionic mum! But I am here and not intending on giving up just yet.

What happens next?? Well I don't know about you lot but I intend on getting spoilt rotten for Christmas, possibly a bit fatter with all the cheese and chocolate I intend on eating, oh and maybe a tipple or two (for medicinal purposes obviously!). In the next few days we should find out what the treatment plan is going to look like, what if any surgery I am going to be needing, how much radiotherapy and or chemotherapy I will be having. The doctor is going to be sick of me asking questions hahahaha I am one of those people that need to know everything  right down to the nitty-gritty stuff I like to plan ahead as much as I can, ie: if my hair is going to fall out I need to find myself some funky wigs that can make my mother roll her eyes out loud! If they are going to start hacking away at possibly the only girly part of my body I want to know if I can have a designer vagina afterwards you know one that is nice and neat and any porn star would be jealous of. Am I going to lose my pubes or do I need to still keep the garden strimmer on standby? Am I going to lose weight because to be fair my ass could do with dropping a couple of sizes after the amount I am going to eat over Christmas? How long will I need to stay in hospital for because being in a cubicle next to a woman that constantly talks about cat shit on her carpets and that she has not been for a poo for 3 days is not my idea of fun? But more importantly when do they expect that this nightmare will be over and I will be back to normal instead of carrying round some alien life form disease that has decided to inhabit on/in my body without any notice or any rent paid?

So there you have it, I am going to take you lot on this journey I have just embarked on. We are going to face the ups and downs together, we are going to cry through the good times and laugh through the tough ones. We are going to stand up to this cancer stuff....well you lot can stand I will just sit a bit taller! We are going to kick cancers ass till its black and blue and has been permanently evicted and we are going to do it in style.

Christmas is a time for everyone to pull together that little bit closer and this year will be no exception. Thank you for everyone's messages of support, kind words and love for me, I am totally  awesome and I love everyone one of you.

I will keep you posted.
Love
Amy x




Comments

  1. Amy you are an inspiration, stay positive. Wishing you a speedy recovery. Thinking of you and your family. Xx sara

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