A waiting game

Hi everyone,

Happy new year to all you lovely lot. How many of you have already broken those new year resolutions? I actually didn't make any this year which is not like me, but I thought well this year is just going to be that shit what is the point in making it worse by telling myself I need cut back on the wine, or the cheese, or the chocolate, or the bacon, or anything else that I shouldn't consume unless I want my ass to completely cover my wheels.

I am currently sat awaiting the arrival of our new double mattress that I have had to order because my body decided to recreate scenes from the saw movies all over my current one last month after my biopsies. I don't quite believe the murder scene bedroom theme  is ever really going to become a trend so alas we have a new one coming. No doubt tonight will be the worst night sleep ever because there will be no moulding of where my beach whale body normally starfishes across the bed whilst my husband clings on to the side for his dear life. But at least it will be nice and fresh.

I am back at the hospital on Monday to have some more examinations under anaesthetic. This time for the urologist and the plastic surgeon to have a good look. I swear to god by the time we  have actually got around to getting rid of this cancer stuff  half of the HU postcode will have seen my minge, there must be something so compelling about it that everyone needs a good look. I am sure the last time I looked it just looked like a fanny, although after having 3 C-sections I do have a bit of overhang so maybe I am missing something that my mummy tummy is hiding. Ah well, maybe I should start charging, pay per view! I could be rich this time next year!. 

I'll be honest I am actually rather pissed off that they want to drag me back to theatre just to have a fucking look I am not quite sure what they think it looks like, are they expecting it to look completely battered because I have an army of 3 children!, are they expecting it can do some sort of trick? Being paralysed pretty much means that it can't do anything special, unless it can but I just can't feel it, I need to have a serious conversation with my husband about that one.
At the moment the plan was apparently they were just going to take everything out: my bladder, my piss tube, my womb, cervix, ovaries, and my vagina and all the flaps etc. Personally for a tumour that is 4x6 cms and is sat in between my piss tube and the front vaginal wall it sounds just a tad excessive to take so much. The bladder and piss tube is not so much an issue as I have an indwelling catheter anyway and I knew at some point at a later age I would need to lose them as they just continue to deteriorate. The womb and cervix not bothered so much about them either as I don't plan for anymore kids..3 is definitely the magic number for us. The vagina however! that is a slightly different story personally I don't want to lose my glory hole. I actually like being a female and would like to continue to have a healthy sex life for at least another 20 years. You know when it all starts to dry up and go crusty because of old age then I may want to consider taking up a hobby like knitting or napping but right now I am only 33 and still enjoy it. We spoke to the cancer nurse this week in person, she is also a sex therapist and claimed she can help us as a couple deal with the aftermath of perhaps losing my vagina. Me being nosy wanted to know how the hell can you still get off if you have no G-spot (guys its the soft squishy bit at the front just sits below the bladder...your welcome :)), no hole and no flaps! Are you ready for it...I don't think you are, you may need to ensure you have nothing in your mouth right now ie: a cup of tea, your lunch etc!!!....Seriously.... Arm Pit Sex!!!!!!!!😨😨😲😂😂 I mean what the actual FUCK!!! I don't think I actually contained the laugh...I was stunned! I thought she was joking, I mean she could of said a tit wank or use your thighs that would of been a little more normal but no....a FUCKING ARMPIT! Omg I actually can't breathe it is that amusing. "Hey love, I have shaved my pits tonight wanna get your freak on?" hahahaha. Its just not going to happen, that shit is not going to work. I am not even fucking ticklish under there, you know when you do the "round and round the garden" and it gets to the "one step, two step tickle you under there"....yep there is just nothing, not even a smirk. Can you imagine the pain my husband would feel, I push myself round in my wheelchair all day everyday, I heave my 14.5 stone body everywhere...my arms are huge, I would crush it!

This is why I am hoping to god that this plastic surgeon knows his shit and will tell me he can do something, rebuild it or something. Without sounding to un-politically correct but if they can give blokes in Thailand a fanny out of a cock and trust me the results are pretty amazing (thanks google) why cant they rebuild or at least save mine there is plenty of skin and flesh to work with cos I ain't no size 0. I can't be doing with no armpit sex, I need a fanny. So I should find out more next week about what state my body is going to look like after they have hacked away at it and perhaps roughly how long I have to wait for them to actually do some fucking work instead of stood in theatre admiring my newly trimmed lady garden and my husbands fantastic leg wax job, as impressive as it is there is still cancer in there that needs to go!

So there you have it, its just a waiting game. I think my new mattress has now arrived so I am going to leave you guys here and will fill you all in after I find out more next week.

But hey when your having a bad day...just think armpit sex! that shit will keep you smiling for days.

Chat soon guys.
Much love
Amy xx


  1. Amy, You have just made me smile. Not cracked my face all day. You are a bloody inspiration xxxx

  2. Thank you so much, glad I made you smile x


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