We have a new family member!!!!!!

Hey everyone,

Thank you for coming back.

It has been over a week now since I last wrote a blog piece and thought you would all be missing my fantastic sarcasm and wit 😁.

Since I last posted we have gained a new family member in the form of our very tiny but extremely cute and mischievous puppy Baron. He has certainly been a rather fantastic distraction in the midst of the shit storm we are currently in.

Despite his obvious disadvantage in height compared with our older dog Boris, Baron has done nothing but terrorize his older sibling. He is constantly charging at his head and hanging off Boris's large jowls by his tiny puppy teeth. Boris finds this both amusing and after a time irritating but is happy to lay there whilst his tiny friend continues to believe he is built like a brick shit house much to our whole family's amusement.

We are currently no further forward as such in terms of treatment for my cancerous fanny. I did attend for my examination under anesthetic last Monday for the plastic surgeon, urologist and gynecologist to have another good look round the forbidden cave. As requested I arrived at 7am to be booked onto the ward and found myself sat in a tiny waiting room for over an hour until they wheeled an elderly lady into the room with her carer. The lady was called Rita, she had dementia. Rita was extremely confused and really scared, which didn't really help me who was already shitting myself being in the one place which I have a massive phobia of. But in true superwoman style I talked to her as her carer was more interested in his phone and hot cup of coffee than speaking to the terrified lady he was suppose to be looking after. Rita was asking me if she could go home with me, I really wanted to say FUCK YES! lets make a break for it, you hold on to the back of my chair and ill drag yours along its down hill once you get outside......but deep down I knew it was not the right thing to do, so I gently explained she would have to wait for the doctor to see her. She then asked me where her dad was!!!!! OK so this lady looked at least 80 if not more my guess was that he is probably in a cemetery somewhere but I couldn't tell her that, I did not want to be responsible for breaking the poor woman's heart so I told a little white lie and said I was not sure where he was today. Rita asked if she could hold my hand, her hands were freezing and very frail compared to my chunky, hot and extremely sweaty palms but it was lovely to see her smile when she gently squeezed my hand. I sat with Rita for over 2 hours holding her hand and talking to her. Despite my own anxiety, fear, racing heart, feeling sick with nerves, like a mum would for her child I pushed them to one side to try and comfort this frail, confused and terrified lady despite the fact I was probably more afraid than she was but it was nice to feel like I had helped her. Rita was eventually moved into a bed and the nurses took over from the useless carer who had sat and not said a word through the whole time. I was left in the waiting area by which time the diazepam I had taken in the morning to mong me out and actually allow me to wheel into the hospital was now wearing off and I could feel myself starting to lose my nerve. The ward sister gave me some more drugs to try and calm me down. After lunch they managed to find me a bed on another ward. We waited and waited and waited until it got to 3pm and my diazepam had worn off completely. I was in a right state my PTSD had kicked in, I was crying, shaking uncontrollably and clinging on to my husband for dear life. For a short time I had retreated back to being in Pinderfields (spinal unit) aged 13 and was terrified and just wanted to go home. A doctor came in to find me laid on my side curled in a ball in this state, she apologized that I had been waiting so long she could not understand why they had left me to get in this state. She had spoken to theater and they were not going to be ready for me until at least 5pm as they were waiting for the urologist who couldn't get there until then. Why the fuck they had asked me to be there for 7 in the morning I have no idea but I was not in any fit state to start arguing. The doctor gave me something to calm me down...well I say calm me down it actually knocked me out. The hubby was happy as he could at last regain the blood flow to his arm and hand and had 2 hours peace and quiet. I did eventually get to theater at around 5pm and was in there for 15 minutes in total! all that waiting for 15 minutes...15 fucking minutes!!! and i bet it took them at least five to get my knickers off.

I came round and was asked to stick around for a few hours because of having a general anesthetic, i left after an hour! no keeping me down. My throat was in bits however, they had put breathing tubes in to protect my airways. protect my airways! I ended up with massive blisters all down the back of my throat and an infection, I felt like I had been deep throated by a god damn porcupine and for what..15 fucking minutes of someone poking around my hole that I couldn't even feel or remember, a bit selfish if you ask me they could of at least bought me dinner or wine first 😂.

So all in all it was a bit of a shit start to the week and I was in so much pain with my throat for the rest of the week, I could hardly eat or drink so I am hoping I have at least lost a tonne in weight. I could hardly talk so have not been answering the phone or having decent conversations which has meant that the hubby has got quite far on his NBA game on the PS4 which he is pleased with. Friday came along with a trip to see the plastic surgeon who had seen more of me on Monday than I care to imagine. He was a nice guy and explained that he had had a good look and thinks he can try and rebuild the inside of my vagina when I have my big surgery. He is hoping to take a piece of flesh from my thigh to insert into the vagina to create some form of a hole which is usable although will not have any feeling and will certainly not be the same as what I have currently. I suppose its better than a fucking arm pit! At least the thigh is somewhat closer to the actual area than my sweaty pits and my tree trunk thighs will get a bit of a fat trim. All guys love a bit of leg it is just going to be a little more literally in our case but hey every hole is a goal right? If all else fails we still have two arm pits, two elbows and a couple of knees we can have a go at 😂.

I must give a shout out to my baby sister this week. Some of you may well know it was my birthday quite recently and my little sister who has a fantastic sense of humor has bought me a t-shirt which she has had printed....its bloody awesome. My loyal readers will remember my unforgettable poem about 'Suck my flaps', well my awesome sibling has only gone and got me my very own hospital t-shirt.........

What a fucking legend!!!! I am sure the staff at castle hill are going to love it 😃.

I'll leave you guys here for now but will be back once I have more news. Please as always share away and leave a comment if you wish and do not forget if someone asks if you can do something you really don't want to do show them a picture of my t-shirt, you will either make them laugh, get the sack or never be asked again 😆.

much love everyone


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