Am i going mental?

Hey everyone,

How are we all on this cold winter day?

There is very little progress to report in the way of my cancer treatment. I am still waiting for a date for my surgery but have been informed in should be in the next 2 to 3 weeks. Despite my plea for them not to drop things on me at the last minute as I need to be able to prepare myself due to PTSD and hospital phobia. And also because I have 3 children that despite their feral tendencies they actually do need looking after and therefore plans need to be put in place so they do not end up spending 2 weeks bunking off school and living out of the green wheelie bin! It appears however that they are intending to let me know at the last minute just to make me panic and wheel round like a headless knobhead trying to arrange everything at last minute...thanks!

Since my last blog I think I have retreated slightly back into rebel teenage mode....I went and got myself a tattoo. The thing is, I actually wanted another one at some point but normally I am very conscious about what it is and where they put it as I do not want to be stereotyped as some butch chav female. However, since being diagnosed with cancer and my pending massive surgery I think I have actually gone a bit mental and actually stopped thinking about the what ifs. My rebel teenage inner self has popped up and said 'what the fuck woman just go and do it anyway, who knows how much time you got left you may as well raise some eyebrows and make it fun'. So I did, I got a tattoo on my wrist and actually I love it. So my intention now is to listen a little more to that rebel inside and go and do the things I want and say what I like because life is too god damn short.

I have started seeing a psychologist to try and help me come to terms with what is happening, what is going to happen to my body as well as the PTSD and hospital phobia issues. The lady is lovely and I found it really easy to talk to her, which is quite a revelation for me as normally when it comes to things like that I have an overwhelming impulse to tell them to mind their own fucking business. She is going to try and help me compile some coping strategies for going into hospital, she will then work with me to try and build my inner self after my surgery and eventually work through my very deep issues with hospitals. I don't want to bang on about how mental health is so important etc because most people are already aware, but if only my mental health had been considered when I first broke my spine 20 years ago I would not be in this state now. If you've got a problem don't leave it like a moron go and get it sorted.

I do however, think I am driving myself mental. I am constantly worried about my body and what it is doing without my knowledge. I have made Craig (the husband) ring the cancer nurse fifty million times just to ask questions that in any other circumstance I would consider them ridiculous. I have bruises on my legs.....'Craig ring the nurse and ask her why I am getting all these bruises it might be cancer related', no Amy its just you bashing them against the side of the car door whilst heaving your fat ass in to the seat. I have an ache in my back....'Craig ring the nurse and ask her if its a sign it has spread to my lungs'.....no Amy its a pulled muscle from heaving your fat ass into the car and out of the bath. I have a cold....'Craig ring the nurse and tell her I keep getting a cold is it because the cancer is getting worse'...no Amy it is because its winter and its germ fest season, plus you have an army of 3 germ carriers otherwise known as children who love to share their bacteria with you.

Oh my God...I lost 3 pounds...that is it I'm going to die, you always lose weight when cancer is really bad....'Craig ring her now and tell her I am losing weight, has it spread, am I going to die, do I need treatment like now'.....no Amy it is because your not eating from all the stress and heaving 15 stone of weight around is actually good exercise. Well done you found the key to losing the fat! Thank fuck for that after 2 years of trying to lose weight I finally managed it....maybe we should have Chinese takeaway and wine for tea just to be on the safe side I don't want to lose too much weight my body is going to need that fat to fight this shit disease (mystery solved...I found the missing 3 pounds it was in the Chinese takeaway!). You lay in bed on a night awake because your brain is doing overtime, listening to the sweet gentle sounds of your husband snoring and farting like a hurricane whilst all the while wondering if that spot on your but cheek is a tumor growing, is that pain in your side really cos you ate too much pudding or is it the cancer spreading throughout your body, how are you going to cope being in hospital for at least 2 weeks, will the children be OK or will they drive grandma insane, will the hospital ring tomorrow, will I even answer the phone, oh fuck what if i don't get enough sleep my immune system will pack up its shit and leave, what if I get ill, did I turn off the hallway light, did I take my antidepressants? before you know it the clock has just gone 4 am, you believe you are actually going insane and your husband has growled at you because you keep tossing and turning and he now only has 20 cm of space in which to lay on and the duvet has somehow ended up half off the bed.

The morning arrives, the little darlings are up and performing their usual ritual of screaming at each other because one is standing too close to the other, he has my spoon, you breathed on me, that is my bag, 'daddy.....he said a naughty word, yeah but she dared me to', then you here the faint grunts of a teenage presence as he enters the bathroom for his morning shower still half asleep because he spent far to much time last night on his phone texting his girlfriend instead of actually going to sleep. Then its all hell broke loose trying to usher all three out of the door like sheep to the car to go to school, at this point I have actually given up all hope of trying to get back to sleep so succumb to watching BBC news to find something more depressing to listen to in the hope that it makes my morning and night seem a little more pleasing.

Am I going mental? Probably, in fact I don't actually think I was ever completely sane to be fair. How could I be what with being in a wheelchair, 3 kids, a husband, 2 dogs and now cancer to boot...its enough to make anyone insane. It isn't all bad though, if I wasn't a little bit mental I would never have got that GCSE in PE (no curriculum for a disabled student back then....rebel in me thought it was a challenge to be had). I would never have gone to Tenerife with my best friend and spent a whole week getting drunk, asking guys (fit ones of course!) to lift me up and down stairs because of the lack of ramps and wheeling best friend back to our apartment because she insisted on wearing ridiculous shoes she could not walk in. I would not have impressed my now husband on our first date by wheeling him down a massive hill, pissed and not even holding my wheels on a path that was as wide as my ass (his screams were immense). I would not have had my 3 miracle children that I was never meant to be able to have, the risks that were involved were so high it should have put me off but I was determined. I think being a little bit mental is a good thing as its allowed me to have a life full of interesting little stories and given me plenty of fond memories. Deep down I think we are all a little bit mental or at least have it inside of us just waiting to be discovered. Life is definitely for living and you just never know when it will end so my advice to everyone is be that little bit mental and do what you want nobody is going to hate you for it forever and if they do.....there are 3 little words that are perfect in these circumstances ''SUCK MY FLAPS''.

Have a great day guys and gals, go do something insane just because it feels fucking awesome.

love always
Amy
x

Comments

  1. Hey there! I had the joy of cervical cancer in 2017..if you are getting treated at Castle Hill you will be fine. They are fucking awesome. My Dr was Bashir and he has a great sense of humour. Are they doing a pelvic exenteration? I got away with chemo and rads but remember the "examnation uner anaesthetic " well...I called it *a good rummage around in my foof*
    Anyhoo, best of luck.

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  2. Hey right back at you. I am also under Dr Bashir at Castle Hill although have not yet met him in person as the gynaecology team seem to be leading on me along with Dr simms (urology) and a plastic surgeon. I'm due for surgery in the next two weeks....full hysterectomy, full bladder and urethra removal and also the front vaginal wall along with some of the outer vaginal tissue. I've had two examinations under anaesthetic now (NOT PLEASANT) my vagina has never been so popular 😂. Thank you for your comment and congrats on getting through your fight, hopefully I will be on the other side too soon xAmyx

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