It's been a while

Hey hey everyone....long time no updates!

It's been a rough few months and I have the battle scars to prove it.

As you were all aware I went in for my big surgery on the 18th of Feb and it went as well as expected. 8 and a bit hours under the knife, a few days in intensive care and I was back on a normal ward to keep on recovering. The staff were all fab, I met some remarkable people who I will never forget and I can't praise them enough I know how difficult I can be especially when I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be and I can't do much for myself....stubborn as hell!!!

The drugs were amazing I was hardly in any pain apart from when being moved. I was off my tits!! In all honesty I am not sure what people get out of doing hardcore drugs and sniffing shit, the stuff is awful it makes you feel sick, you don't know what day you are on, you can't function and the hallucinations and psycho dreams you have are nothing but fucking weird. Who has ever had a dream about being in a Hong Kong video game that spins you really fast with neon lights everywhere till you puke your guts up and then you get escorted out the game by a donkey with an apple in its gob....that would be me then. I don't think I could ever become a druggie.

After 11 days on the ward it was time to take the stitches/staples out of one of the wounds which runs almost the full length of my tummy. Not all went to plan....
The wound had a build up of fluid behind and the staples had not held properly so once the staples were out my tummy it decided to show the nurse my split. Big enough you could have put your fist in and wiggled it around. It looked like something out of a horror movie. Hubby tried to keep a positive face for my sake but couldn't hide the fact he was now looking at my bowel and stomach muscle for real. The lovely plastic surgeon, and he is the most amazing man told me not to worry we can put a vac on it.  A vac! If I wanted to hoover up I would start with my floors not my stomach. But in actual fact it is a hoover for wounds, it sucks out all the crap into a tub and encourages the wound to close. It's marvelous and my wound has shrunk loads. It's not too painful and I get to gross people out with the gravy looking substance I carry around on the back of my chair.

The minge!!! I mean that really is what everyone is thinking... what about the designer vagina. Well. Would you believe me if I told you that my minge is now my stomach?? ?  No!!! Well guess what. My mummy tummy now packs my glory hole and instead of having two fat flaps like every other woman I now only have one huge flap. And the tummy skin that is now my vejayjay is still attached to my abdomen inside....get your noggins around that shit. Its bonkers. They cut a strip of flab(muscles and skin leave the bottom of it still attached inside so it keeps its blood supply tuck it inside the belly pull it through the vaginal canal to create a wall then pull some out of your hole and flap it over the outside to cover the missing outer flaps. And yes ladies and gents it is medically known as a FLAP you can guess how much me and the hubby giggled when the surgeon asked if he could check out my flap 😂😂.

After 3 and a half weeks in hospital I was allowed home as I started to get really down being stuck in there and missing my kids. I did do really well though staying that long despite my huge phobia of hospitals. Even my therapist couldn't believe how calm I had managed to keep myself when normally I would be having panic attacks, gripping onto Didge (the house slave) until his hands go blue and trying to get out of the doors to freedom. I am very proud of myself. I didn't tell the kids I was coming home and the surprise on Zak's (the 9 year old) face was amazing, he screamed MUMMY! as he ran through the door and burst into tears, it was a very emotional reunion and I was so glad to have my babies back in my arms.  The district nurses are coming out regularly to check my open stomach and the flap as the skin had started to break down around it but is now healing again. I didn't dare look at either my tummy or my new lady bits for ages. No woman wants to see her pride and private part all butchered up. But after a few weeks at home I caught a peek whilst washing in the shower. I was now determined to see what the rest of it looked like.

Like a dignified lady I laid on my bed legs wide open and grabbed the mirror. OMG!  ðŸ˜ēðŸ˜ē WTF is that I told my hubby who was watching intently. He didn't know what to say as he knew this was a big moment for me. "Why the fuck do I look like I have a set of bollocks!!!" the new flap was a lovely pink/purple colour covered in looked like a god damn ball bag. My hubby couldn't hide his laughing. I stared at it a little longer in utter disbelief that this was supposed to be my tummy skin, nobody ever said my abdomen looks like old man balls. I then noted that the shape of my new flap is the distinctive shape of a cock! What the actual fuck... Was the surgeon trying to be funny, was he pissed? was this his way of him doing justice for the male population? had my hubby paid him on the side to do this shit to me??. Are you still with me? Breathe peeps cos I ain't finished yet.

Now I initially in hospital thought that they had left just a strip of pubes at the top of the lady garden which were now almost gone from the amount of sticky dressings they had waxed me with. But oh no.....they went one better my flap not only has a strip across the top it also has two smaller strips down either side.... my minge looks like ELVIS FUCKING PRESLEY!! It has a massive wig and side burns.....why, why couldn't they just take them off. Strimming the future summer borders is going to be a right laugh, I'm going to have to take up contortionism to sort those fuckers out. I explained all this to my plastic surgeon who genuinely stood up laughed, put his hand up in the air and exclaimed that elvis had entered the building and was looking well. No joke. He did say the ball sackness will go down and he has agreed to readjust once the swelling has completely gone.

I'm doing really well and feeling generally quite well. I'm so determined to get back to normal. My results did come back a few weeks ago and show that whilst they managed to remove all the tumor it has left a few microscopic cancer cells behind as the tumor was large and resting against the public bone. Its not what we wanted to hear and Ill be honest when they rang to tell me I was devastated and was convinced I was going to die. But after speaking to my consultant he has reassured me that we are now dealing with microscopic disease and radiotherapy should kill it off. He is still looking to cure me and not just prolong my life. Unfortunately the cancer was aggressive and is rare in someone of my age but this may prove to be my advantage as my body is in a good healthy condition meaning I have a better chance than most and I have recovered quicker than anyone expected. We did learn that the tumor has been there for a while and was missed on a previous scan I had in December 2017 but should have been picked up. Since that scan it had grown quite a lot and has meant that it could have been sorted a lot sooner with a lot less. This is something we plan to take up with the NHS at a later date as its pissed me right off. But for now I'm Concentrating on kicking the shit out this cancer dude.

So now we are preparing for the next stage... Radiotherapy. I've been for a ct scan just to make sure nothing has regrown but all being well it will be 28 sessions of radio in total. One a day Monday to Friday starting from 13th of May. I will keep you updated on how that goes....the side effects sound like a right barrel of fun ðŸĪŠ sick, shit and possible hubby might be moving out hahahaha. Get your gloves ready love we are gonna be knee deep in it. But in all honesty after 18 years together he has seen everything literally! As long as this works and I get to see my kids grow up I can cope with shitting myself for a while it's only poo after all, we all have some. Ill put some pics at the bottom for you all, if your a little squeemish you may wanna give it a miss.

Speak soon guys love you all

OK so pics!

In Hospital.....

Me and my hospital room its going home day. 

The hole!!! 
the staples came out and my belly started to open...
so the nurse packed it with some gauze

then it split a bit more! yes that is my insides you can see...the hole is now large enough to fit a fist in with room to spare.
after 1 week of having the vac dressing on it has started to close slowly.

after week 2
week 3

after being allowed home I came back to have my dressings changed....cant beat sat casually having a coffee whilst your inside are on show on week 4
week 5

week 6

week 7

week 8 and it has got loads smaller, only a few more weeks and the plastic surgeon can stitch me back up so i can have a full tummy again.

Now thats the gruesome part over and done with I so know you are dying to see the main part......the infamous FLAP!!!!

 dirty bastards you thought you was gonna see some fanny!!! well you get my artistic drawn diagram instead. To be honest Its quite a feat getting used to a new minge and I am not quite ready to spring it on the world (not literally anyway....I think that may be classed as grounds for divorce!). Plus I don't need to be arrested for distributing freaky porn cos there will be someone somewhere that will get off on it, I am hot after all. However, from my beautifully drawn lifelike selfie (notice how i have given myself my long lost pert boobs and thin waist 😁 which  have not been seen since I popped out my first sprog) you get the idea of what my new arranged anatomy looks like. its all very fascinating and funky.

Much love guys
Amy, Cecil and Elvis!!!!


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