getting nervous!!!!!!

Hey everyone,

How are we all?

I am doing well, in fact I am doing very well and am feeling really good. My body is continuing to heal well and the hole in my stomach has shrunk loads. In fact it has shrunk that much that the plastic surgeon has agreed that I no longer need my hoover dressing and can now have a normal dressing on it (essentially a fucking huge plaster but hey its got no tubes coming out of it!). I am so impressed with how my body has coped with everything it has been through. In fact I think its pretty amazing, I actually feel pretty fucking there nothing my body can't take. Everything that has ever been thrown at my body and trust me it has been through hell but yet every single time it fights back and rises out of the ashes like a god damn goddess! I actually firmly believe I should have a crown because I am that good!.

Besides me blowing my own fanfare I have been busy trying to make sure everything is ready for me starting radiotherapy on Monday. I'll be honest I am feeling a little nervous about it. I know that radiotherapy apparently is no where near as bad as going through chemo but there are still some possible side effects that could cause me some issues and  I am not looking forward to them. BUT it has to be done, this cancer dude has to die. I have ordered myself a new t-shirt to go to radio in (I will post some pics when it arrives, don't forget to follow journal junk on facebook!).

Something totally strange has also happened to me this week that has freaked me out just a tad. I am not quite sure what my body thinks it is playing at sometimes and it must think its fucking hilarious to do this shit to me. So  the other night I went to bed, got undressed as you do, gave a whole huge sigh as the mahoosive bra came off and my extra large 38GG's fell to my knees. Trust me and I think every big tittied girl knows the awesome feeling of removing the steel girder and tent fabric we need to keep them somewhere near our rib cage!. I went to have a good old scratch as the skin on my mollys was stretching back to its usual butternut squash shape and noticed that my nips were a bit damp. Now my first initial reaction was that they must have obviously been dangling on the side of the sink as I had just brushed my teeth and got splashed from the tap. I checked my damp mark! WTF! Puzzled to fuck I could'nt understand it......curiosity got the better of me. I decided to check my boobs like they tell you to all the time and noticed when I gave my big old bin lid nips a squeeze there was actually fluid coming out that resembled breast milk!!!!

Now I am no fucking genius but I do believe that having a hysterectomy means NO WOMB!!!!! this means NO BABIES!!!!! this means NO TIT MILK!!!!! but here I was lactating like a god damn cow. Completely dumbfounded I just didn't know what to think. The last time I produced milk was over 7 years ago when my little girl was tiny and I am pretty sure I had completely dried up and was now part of the powdered condensed milk society. But it appears not. I don't know what its playing at. I asked my husband in utter disbelief what was happening like I expected him to know the answer....this was a mistake. He was utterly entertained by the fact that my boobs were trying to regain their youth, he felt it totally appropriate to inform me that "at least if we run out of milk we have reserves for a cuppa!!!""" He then proceeded to giggle his head off obviously highly amused at his own witty remark, totally forgetting that the last time I was on milk production my tits ended up that rock hard that I could barely stand them being touched and he was most disappointed that his favorite play toys were out of bounds for months!!!!! hahahaha

But seriously WTF, I have no idea what is going on with them. Its a question I will be posing to the wonderful nurses at radiotherapy on Monday. I did warn them that I was one on my own and they would definitely remember my crazy self I am not quite sure they thought it would be for asking questions like "excuse me love, can you tell me why my body is morphing into a fucking farm animal?".

Those who follow the journal junk facebook page will know that I also got a new tattoo to mark that I had my surgery and survived. I thought it was a good idea to also brand the husband too whilst I was at it.. you never know if your gonna pop your clogs and I certainly wanted to ensure I left my mark on him..literally! We didn't do the typical thing of having our names on each other as he believes that it jinxes your relationship and he obviously is never going to find anything better than me 😁 so we went for a piece of writing each. Mine says " I will always hold onto you..." his says "...and I will never let you go." Its all very romantic or sadistic depending on which way you look at it. Nothing like putting your other half through a bit of pain just for your pleasure hahahah. I have also informed my wonderful tattooist at regenerates studio that I will be back once my radiotherapy is over to have another one done to mark the end of the next stage. This whole trying to recapture my youthful rebel inside me is proving quite fun and I am enjoying being her again. We spend so much of our adulthood trying to fit in, trying to play the mature adult that society expects us to be, being sensible, being boring because that's what being a working parent drives you to be. One thing this whole cancer shit has made me realize is that I don't want to be that person, I don't want to fit in when I was soooooo made to stand out (nobody has 38GG's for no fucking reason!), I was made to be different, I was born to be a stubborn piece of ass that likes to say it how it is, defy the rules, lead the revolution, be proud of who I am and be happy that I am not boring. Life is so damn short and can be taken away so quickly so what is the point of being unhappy or living a lie. My whole outlook has changed and the things I used to consider important like, money, budgeting, work, being respected for conforming to what society expects you to be just really is not important at all. Yes we have to work to earn money because you can't live without it but work doesn't and shouldn't  have to be taken so seriously at all, its just a job your not gonna die if you quit or get the sack. So why get stressed about your job, why put in all that effort to show how good you are at it when in the grand scheme of life a job is really not that important anyway. Money is essential because its near on impossible to live for free, but why stash it all away in bank accounts, savings, stocks, shares, bonds gonna take it with you if you get hit by a bus! Nope. Are your kids gonna be grateful that you left them a load of money that the tax man is going to penalize them for and they will end up with very little at the end of it.  Or do you think they would prefer you to spend that money on making precious memories with them that they can keep and look back on long after you have gone? I don't intend on saving a fortune for my future because in all honesty nobody knows how long that future will be. My life has changed and my perspective has changed drastically and in some weird way I have cancer to thank for that as its made me realize what really is important. My family, my awesome friends, love, laughter, happiness and living each day like its your last because you never now if it will be. I know I have turned all philosophical on you....I promise I wont go on any longer in case you all think I have run out of wine, brain cells and may need sectioning.  But I really do want you all to try and see it from my perspective because you will thank me for it, I am in such a better place mentally for it.

On the subject of wine I think I need to leave it here as I can hear a bottle of beautiful red calling my name from the kitchen and I am sure I just heard the cheese in the fridge say "meeeeeee tooooooo bitch you know you want me!" I'll let you know how radiotherapy goes next week and whether we are knee deep in shit and hormones 😜 or if I am sailing through.

Love you all

hahahahahahaha......fucking insane us lot! love it! Go get your life and enjoy! xxx


  1. keep fighting hun im with you all the way and im so proud of you words seem so small to express how much i love you xx you go girl you are amazing xxxxx


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