cock blocker

Hey everyone

I know, I know I haven't put finger to key for some time and you have all missed my witty charm and sarcastic verse.

To be honest I've had times when I have felt on top of the world and then others when I could really do with having my head surgically removed from my arse. Cancer can really be the cockblocker of life. For those who may not know what a cock block is...
You know when you and the other half have had a bit to drink and you begin to feel a little amorous, the lighting is perfect (dark so you cant see the flabby bits), the mood is sensual (due to the amount of alcohol you have consumed), the house is perfectly quiet (the kids were in bed by 7 and are soundly asleep) so you jump on each other like a pair of rampant teenagers ignoring the fact your hips are making cracking noises, you have cramp in one leg and you cant remember being this out of breath when you were younger...and then all of a sudden you here...."mummy have you hurt your leg?" 'fuck, shit, quick get dressed, think of the queen, down boy!, where is the child, quick dive on the sofa and click tv on in case they come in the room. Well that said child would then be known as a cock block! you get my drift?

In my case Cancer has been my cock block it has taken the fun out of life these last few months.

I finished radiotherapy at the end of June, the last two weeks was hell. I was so tired I didn't know whether I was coming or going and often found myself falling asleep on my own pair of titties (its not good for your neck ladies!). I constantly felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotion  one minute I was flying high and full of giggles the next I was low and felt like I had been kicked in the muff. I did achieve a lovely tan though! Nobody told me that radiotherapy makes your skin go a lovely dark shade of brown....the only issue is that it only tans the places it touches so Elvis had a lovely glowing tan and my arse looked like I had not wiped properly for a month but hey a tan is a tan. My skin did suffer though it was so dry and peeling, not that the hubby complained when the radiotherapy nurses gave me some gel like cream that needed rubbing in everyday...the slave has never seen me in the doggy position so often. Another side effect of radiotherapy I was not prepared for was hair loss! Not that I am complaining, my garden strimmer has officially been retired and I am the proud owner of a permanent Brazilian all year round, bet your all well jell now, no more creepy spider legs for me. Elvis is officially bald! My bowel has suffered though the poor thing. "You spend your life full of shit and then some radio beam comes along and burns the hell out of you, scars you for life and then the bitch moans when I decide to kick off and get rid of the remnants of pizza, wine and cheese she insists on filling me with". That's right folks it fucks your bowel up and you spend most of your life either on the shitter or trying to avoid laying in it on a night. I have never changed my bed sheets so god damn often in my life. In all seriousness though radiotherapy does have a serious effect on your bowel and shitting yourself is no laughing matter.....you cant laugh or you do it more! Its one of those subjects that nobody really talks about because its soooooooo embarrassing. Why though? its not like any of us don't poo at all, its only a bit of crap for god sake! At one point or another in our lives we have all shit ourselves so why do we insist on keeping it a secret?

I finally finished radiotherapy at the end of June and have been recovering since. My hole in my tummy is soooooo nearly completely closed its just a tiny hole left now but the skin is so tight where it has rejoined back together and sinks in quite a bit so I look like I have a giant bum hole on the left side of my abdomen. The plastic surgeon has agreed that he will try and even it out at some point in the future so I don't look quite so deformed. My stoma is working well apart from the odd leakage (usually at around 3 in the morning, you know just when you want to get up change your sheets, have a shower so you don't stink of piss and then try and get back to sleep when your wide awake knowing the kids will be up in an hour!). But hey ho such is life.

We finally got an appointment about my milking udders!  My hormone levels for breastmilk production were through the roof. Apparrantly if its caused by stress or medication they expect the levels to raise up to around 1000.....mine were at 6000. The doctor explained that this level is unlikely to just be due to stress and it is likely that I may have a tumour in my pituraty gland (a little bit of tissue that sits just below the brain behind your nose!). As you can imagine I immediately started to panic. I was sent for an MRI scan so they could see the gland and possibly to also ascertain if I actually do have a brain in their as it has been questioned on a number of occasions.

Whilst awaiting the results of my brain scan we had been chasing the hospital to find out whether they had decided if I was going to need chemo or not as they were waiting for the results of my latest scan in June to decide if chemo was necessary. My appointment to see my consultant had been cancelled twice and to say I was remotely fucked off was a massive understatement. I was fuming. I have not heard anything for ages, no follow up after radio or owt. I didn't know if my tumor had come back, was it still there, did I need chemo, had radiotherapy worked? My consultant was off ill! Well that's alright then, I'll just wait then shall I its not like we are dealing with anything life threatening are we its only a bit of cancer you know that shit that really fucks you up and kills loads of people all the fucking time! It took the hubby ages of kicking off for someone to finally agree to look at my last scan as it hadn't even been checked, then they decided they needed a meeting about it...by this point I was a nervous fucking wreck "why do they need a meeting?. what is on that scan that requires a meeting?, why is said meeting happening after my appointment was due to happen?, it was all going round in my head. They did have their meeting and we got a phone call a couple of weeks ago to inform me that my last scan was clear, there is no regrowth, no sign of disease, no cancer visible! I will not be needing chemo as they believe I have done it, I have beaten it, I will be ok, I will live! Whilst they can't test the bone to ensure there are no cells left as it would be too invasive, they will continue to monitor me with regular scans to see if anything changes and regrows. The cancer I had was very aggressive and nothing has regrown so far so finger crossed that means the radiotherapy killed off the last bit and I am completely cancer free! The relief was immense. I cried and cried and cried, I hugged my kids so tightly, I hugged the house slave with all my heart, I thanked the heavens just in case there is anybody listening, I thanked my grandad for watching over me. However, there was a little bit inside me that was still worried about this gland in my head.

We went to see the consultant last week about my head, he again explained that my hormone level was high and that it could possibly be a tumor. My scan pictures had been sent back to him but had not been reported on yet. He showed me the pictures and explained that the gland itself looks relatively ok it is juts slightly swollen on one side, however the stem that connects the gland to the brain was also swollen and  this was of more concern. He advised he needed to go back to the radiology department and ask them if this swelling was within normal range and was it likely there may be a tumor in there. He did explain that 98% of the time the tumors are benign (safe) however, they can also be cancerous. It is very unusual for it to be a primary cancer (which means that it has started in the gland) but more likely to be a secondary cancer (it has spread from somewhere else). I could feel the dread rising in me. He said that because I had recently had cancer it was a possibility that it may have spread. My world had once again crashed around me and I was back to thinking the worst....Am I going to die? if its a secondary cancer it could have spread all over, I wont survive if it has spread to far etc etc. He told me he would be in touch as soon as he finds out.

We waited all weekend and Monday morning, Craig rang them in the afternoon to see if they had heard anything. No the lady advised but after explaining to her that I was worried sick she said she would chase it up. We rang back the next day to be told that they still haven't heard anything yet but she would try and get hold of the consultant to see if he could hurry them up. She got back to us later that day to say that they had got results back however my consultant wasn't there and she couldn't give me the results herself. She asked if it was ok to ask another doctor to have a look, we agreed. NO TUMOR present, the swelling is within normal limits, the gland is perfectly healthy and my last hormone test shows that the hormone level has dropped back to within normal range too! THANK THE FUCKING LORD! I cried again! I then got the wine out, had several glasses, slept for the first time in fucking ages and genuinely smiled with happiness.

I DID IT! I AM AWESOME! MY BODY IS FUCKING AMAZING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!


I still have a long way to go in terms of recovering, my stomach muscles are knackered and will take ages to get back to normal, my skin is still a little out of sorts from the radiotherapy, my bowel is still having a hissy fit over what it has been through (Hopefully this will calm down over time and resume normal function), I am still quite anaemic from the massive surgery and I am actually quite exhausted it has been a long year so far and I just need to rest now that everything is calming down.
 Mentally I have a long way to go, its been one of the most traumatic things I have ever been through and it takes its toll. Having cancer is life changing, not only physically but mentally you become a different person and it takes time to rediscover who you are and what you want from your life (apart from wine and cheese). Now is my time to rebuild myself inside and out and make the most of the second chance I feel I have been lucky enough to acquire. Don't get me wrong there is still a part of me that will always be scared of it coming back and I am sure I will be an anxious mess when it comes to my health for the foreseeable future but I really want to be the best I can be, do the things I really want to, say the shit I want to say even if it pisses of the wrong people whats the worst that could happen? ok I might end up getting a slap, or the sack, or lose a couple of cling ons who you only keep because your too nice to tell them to fuck off but in all honesty is that really that bad? I don't believe so anymore. Through the last year I found my inner rebel and I intend on keeping her around because she is fucking cool and she also scares the shit out of me. I have stopped overthinking and started taking risks, doing things like horse riding! just because its something i wanted to do but have never had the balls to because  its scary and I could fall off and seriously do myself some more damage but you know what it felt fucking tremendous being up that high. I attended my first ever pride festival and me and my eldest son performed at a local open mic night. I think I like the old teenage carefree me, I lost her for a while but now she is back and we are not going anywhere. Bring it on!

So I will leave it here for now, this is not the end of my journey by any means, I will not abandon you all just yet my life is to god damn interesting to leave you all hanging. Thanks for everyone's support and well wishes your all truly awesome.

So what else can I get up to now I have shown cancer the fucking door?


I CAN AND I DID!

love always
Amy
xx









Comments

  1. Amy this is brilliant news. You have made me laugh, you have made me cry, I have wanted to give you the biggest hug as you have taken on the big C with all your might, wit and humour.
    I lost one of my younger brothers to brain cancer 4 years ago, his twin currently has terminal pancreatic cancer but chemo is keeping him going. We sadly lost one of our sister's on Saturday, just 5 weeks after diagnosis of NET cancer of the endocrine system, it started in her pancreas and very quickly spread to her liver. This is after 6 months of telling the doctors and hospital something was not right because of the pain she was in. She could not eat and lost so much weight but they kept telling her it was just IBS. Well thank you very much NHS. I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters but am losing them too quickly to this terrible disease.
    Go out and live life to the full my lovely you damn well deserve too after all the crap your body has been through.
    Oh and your open mike night was awesome
    Love, luck and happiness
    Jeanette Adams

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