exciting times

Hey everyone

Thought I'd pop on an update for you all to let you know how things are going.

After my last post, as a family we settled back into the swing of going back to school and the house slave returning back to work full time. The house is so very quiet like you could actually hear a pin drop! Its a bag of mixed emotions on the one hand after the weekend I can not wait for that slamming of the door as they all leave and the blissful sigh that escapes me and ripples out into the silence but on the other it draws towards the middle of the week and the silence becomes a little to much and I can't wait for the weekend to have them all at home.

I have been back to the hospital to see the urologist who again assures me that my last scan was definitely clear apart from my kidneys were a little swollen so he referred me for a Mag 3 scan....ever heard of that? Nope me neither so I shit my pants when a letter arrived informing me it was in the nuclear department and that they would be injecting me with radioactive stuff. I was a little nervous when we arrived but the staff were lovely and friendly and the other half was there too as my comfort blanket. I downed a few glasses of water (wishing it was vodka) and then some nice nurse stuck a canula in and pumped me with some stuff that makes your kidneys go off their fucking rocker! She informed me it was best to empty my bladder before I go in for the scan to which I informed her 'that might be a problem' she looked at me completely confused...'I do not appear to have one!' Her face began to blush....'I had my bladder removed so I won't be able to empty it' I know its cruel to make people feel bad and embarrassed but its just so god damn funny. She quickly apologized and asked if I could go to the toilet as they need an empty bladder 😲... I mean WTAF? did she not hear what I just said....I really wanted to retort with well could you go ask the surgeon where he left it and empty if for me? but I bit my tongue and entered the bathroom to empty my bag.

I emerged from the toilet and got up onto the bed, they strapped me down (stop it you kinky sods! I can hear you giggling) then she put the radioactive stuff in my arm and set the scan off. Well I could feel cecil the stoma pissing like a trooper I am not kidding it was pouring like Niagara falls my bag was soon full and I began to feel the trickle of extremely warm piss run down my side.....OH FUCK!
 The male nurse who was sat in the little booth thing came round to find my top getting wetter and wetter as my toxic waste was dripping and pooling onto the bed. He told me in no circumstances to touch anything he would be back in one second.... OK why can't I touch it?, what is wrong with it?, why have they put this shit in me if its that dangerous I can't touch it?! He returned with some official looking person who also said please do not move, they began packing waterproof pads all around me and all over the floor. I apologized more out of embarrassment than anything but he said not to be sorry it was their fault for putting the stuff in me. They did not want to stop the scan however, as they would lose all the data. So I am laid on a pool of piss that is constantly running like a river down my stomach watching staff frantically trying to pack more pads under and around me to soak up the flow. To an outsider it probably looked like a carry on doctor film. I am sure my face was beetroot red and all I could think about was I am going to smell like an old person!

The scan eventually finished and the male nurse informed me that I would need to strip all my wet clothes off without touching them...I needed to change my burst stoma bag, again he informed me that I would need to do this without touching it.....err yeah ok how would you like me to do that telepathy??? Hey sweetheart please envisage my clothes disappearing off my body to reveal my naked sexiness we can use your husband superpowers to undress me without touching me!! I have not had enough to drink to even begin to think that would be possible. The nurse fetched me plenty of gloves for me and Didge. The nurse advised me not to get anything on the floor because this would mean they need to close the room off for it to be decontaminated....I sat up off the bed and whoops the straps that were soaked in urine fell off and it all ran all over the floor! OMG could this get any more fucking embarrassing I just wanted to come for a scan! I managed to change my stoma and get undressed...thank fuck I always carry around spare pants and leggings...no top! Oh shit, ahhh I had a hoody that will do. We had to put all my wet clothes into a toxic waste bag and was told to leave them outside for at least two days in the bag so the radioactive stuff would naturally decompose then they could be washed. I had to go straight home and shower for at least 20 minutes as did Didge, I did ask if this would make me glow in the dark or give me superpowers but unfortunately it doesn't...very disappointing. OMG how embarrassing is it walking through hull royal infirmary at visiting times with a bag full of toxic waste clothing, stinking like a granny that has pissed herself in leggings that are almost see through a zip up hoody with only my bra on underneath and not allowed to touch anything in case i spread radioactive waste around......answer:VERY! It was a very eventful day but funny looking back at it.

We had our yearly trip to hull fair. For those that have never heard of it Hull fair is an annual event where the largest European travelling fair arrives in the city for a week. You can not beat the smell of chip fat, fried onions, candy floss and hull sewage drains as you wander down Walton street picking which food van you are going to test your stomach strength on this year. I do love the atmosphere of the fair, the lights, the music, the squeals of children having a great time. Every year we take the kids the house slave goes on the rides with the little ones whilst I sit and watch their little faces light up and listen to the laughing as they go round on the baby roller-coasters. And every year I come home and cry my eyes out because I so want to join in with them but I can't. This year was somehow different, I was just as excited as I am every year to go to the fair because I genuinely do love being there. I watched the kids on the rides, I giggled at them trying to play hook a duck, I laughed at the eldest go green as he stepped off some of the huge rides and teased him by asking him about food which further turned his stomach (bad mummy!!!! hehehehe), I watched the house slave win me a teddy pug on a darts game, I stuffed my face on greasy chips, a fat rat burger and bought lots of sweeties to take home. This year I did not cry! This year I did not feel upset that I could not join in. This year I was just so happy that I got to go to the fair when I could have been 6 feet under. I was proud that I fought to be there with my family, I felt loved that my kids wanted me so much to watch them giggle and scream, I felt grateful that I got to take them to the fair and watch them be happy. This year I did not cry, this year I smiled right from the inside to the outside. The brandy snap and doughnuts on the way home were frickin awesome!


I've began to venture out of my comfort zone and look into creating my future. I attended an event for getting into teaching which I would never had done before (despite my confidence I can be quite shy!) I have been given lots of information and advice and its something I am seriously considering in the next year or so once I feel recovered enough and not falling asleep every five minutes. I have been looking at new jobs, college courses, further uni study. I am determined to change my life and do something for me, get me a future I really want.

On the topic of comfort zone I also attended an event at a local spa this week. It was centered around beauty and cancer. I keep saying that I want to meet other people, join support groups, get into different activities where I can meet people who just get where your coming from. The only thing that holds me back is me because I get so anxious about stuff like that. But I went, it was a lovely evening, free alcohol!!!!! We each received a beautifully wrapped beauty gift and learned about some beauty products that have been made specifically for those living with and beyond cancer. I met a lovely lady called Claudia who is really passionate about the products, we had a fantastic chat about mental wellbeing and how cancer can be life changing but not always for the worst. It was lovely to be able to say how I have changed over this year, how I have grown as a person, how strong I have become and how happy I am and excited about my new life. I am really proud of myself and astonished at how far I have come this year. Claudia complimented me on my attitude, my positive outlook and said I was an ideal advocate for promoting how one person can face cancer, come out the other side, learn from it and use it to make yourself and your life as good as can be. She is now a follower on my Journal Junk Facebook page and I am so glad I went to the event.


My next plan is to return back to work in the next coming weeks taking it very slowly (babysteps Amy listen to your body...BABYSTEPS!) , get all excited for the run up to christmas (I can't friggin wait I love it), continue to get stronger, keep pushing for better things, continue to change my life and get out of my comfort zone a little more often.

Have you stepped out of your comfort zone recently? It is really exhilarating....go on try it!.... I double dog dare ya!

Its nearly the weekend folks, the family will be home in a few hours, peace will be ruined and exchanged for the delightful screams of children arguing with each other about who goes first, who did what, whose air they're breathing, along with the numbing sound of parents advising a teenager why we can not keep a secret larder of food behind his wardrobe, why dirty washing will not eventually walk itself to the laundry bin, or the screams of the house slave as he trips over the dog for the millionth time because it insists on laying right behind his legs as he washes the pots....and then there will be the gentle sips coming from me whilst I sit in the corner with my hot cup of tea (cough cough...I mean a pinot grigio) as I watch my house turn into chaos and be grateful that I am kicking cancers ass to be in the midst of chaos otherwise known as my life.


Have a fab weekend everyone.
Lots of love
Amy
x



                                                House slave getting ready for halloween.
                                                          Hull fair with the kids and Didge
                                                      New hair colour...fiery red!
                                               Painting the house slaves nails whilst he does mine
                                           
                                              Enjoying the last BBQ of the year with my family.


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