welcome to the dark side

Hey you guys!

How are you lovely peeps on this fine November day?

Ok, since I last left you all we have had some fantastic days. Halloween was pure amaze-balls. The kids had some friends round for a little Halloween party. Me and the house bitch even got dressed up and we decorated the house. It was lovely watching the kids all run round dressed up, competing at apple bobbing having lots of fun. We topped off the evening with a bit of trick or treating round the local village with a group of local mums and dads and their kids.

Bonfire night again was another fantastic time. I must admit I was not in the mood this year for bonfire night which is really not like me, this is the time of year I start getting so giddy and excited but this year I really was not feeling it at all. A couple of reasons: Its getting close to the anniversary where I left work in a distressed state after a rather  stressful meeting and the most disgusting comment from someone who was suppose to be supporting me, scared to death that the lump I had which kept bleeding was going to be cancer, waiting for my appointment to go see the gynecology unit. The  week after I sat at the flemingate light switch on with my mum and my family watching the fireworks after being told by the consultant it was very likely to be cancer and it looked bad. I sat hand in hand with my mum and we both cried all the way through the fireworks wondering if I would even make it to see Christmas this year!

This was all I could think of when Didge said do you want to go watch the fireworks on bonfire night at our local large display?. I really didn't want to relive those memories. The kids came home from school on bonfire night squealing with excitement that it was bonfire night. They rushed through the door threw their arms around me and said can we watch some fireworks? My heart sank, here I was dreading fireworks because they remind me of the heartbreak I felt last year thinking I was going to die and here my kids were their gorgeous little faces pleading me to let them go watch. Didge looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said I will be there to hold you.....I caved. The kids were watching all the fireworks going off around us as we drove to our local display, they were that excited I am seriously amazed they didn't pee all over the back seat. We stood as a family arms around each other as we watched an amazing firework display. I could feel my children in my arms, my husbands arms around me and at that moment I knew this was the right thing to do....'I could of not been here!'.

We followed bonfire night with our own celebrations on the Saturday, we had friends and family over to watch some fireworks in the garden. Celebrating that I made it through, celebrating that we are all still together enjoying life. It was a lovely evening even if we were a little loud and appeared to piss of the local residents who were voicing their opinions on a local facebook group! Obviously us being no where near sober and a very mature group of people, we in no way tried to add fuel to this by posting a lot of perhaps sarcastic comments back about our dog loving the display and running round looking for a dead duck!. We are now the bad bastards of Skidby and my son has been blocked off the group!!!! hahahaha.

So that is what we have been up to, however, this is not really what I want to talk about today. You see, I have been having an issue with a certain group of people these last few weeks who seem to be going out of their way to try and make transitioning back into a normal life as damn near impossible as they can.  For legal reasons I can not say who these people are so my apologies if you are sat wondering who these fucktards really are!

 Now don't get me wrong I know I can be the biggest pain in the ass ever and I can on occasion be a total bitch (actually I am quite proud of that one!) but I do not deserve to be treated the way I have been lately by these said people. Over the last year I have hardly had any contact from quite a lot of my colleagues, managers and even people who I thought were friends.  Not that it bothers me as I have made so many new friends this last year and have had so many messages of support from people i work with and know through work even those at the very top of the food chain.
 What I think a lot of people don't understand is that cancer, disability or even just illness in general has a sincere dark side to it. Whilst on the outside we try to stay positive, encouraging ourselves and others to fight through it, get better, look at what you have still got what we don't necessarily tell people is that these things can also be very isolating, lonely, make you feel pushed out, make you feel worthless and that you will really come to learn who is really your true friends. It appears that some of those mentioned above have been monitoring my social media/ my house slaves social media and probably reading this blog too and try to use the fact that I remain positive and try to carry on with my life against me. 

 This is truly pissing me off!

 What those people fail to realize is that yes I still go out and about (I have escorts with me constantly and no not the ones I pay sexual favors for at the end of our trip unless magic mike wants to be my escort?). Yes I still laugh and smile....seriously what the fuck am I supposed to do?, cry, sob, scream, turn completely loony? On the inside yes part of me is currently strapped to a bed in a padded room screaming that I want to be fucking normal! But that is not what I want my kids to see nor how I want to feel so I take antidepressants to help me lift me out of the depths of hell. Yes I still get drunk and do stupid things....I've had stage 4 cancer!!!! I NEED A FUCKING DRINK! No im not a raging alcoholic (you don't fucking pay me enough to be so!). Yes I still take part in things like Halloween and bonfire night ..... I'm disabled not fucking dead!  Yes I am happy and yes I look healthy! Have you ever heard of make up? you know that shit you plaster yourself in constantly to try and make yourself look less like a man! I maybe fat but I actually eat a very healthy diet (apart from the weekly alcoholism that I can't afford!) so I have strong nails, teeth and bones. I use skin creams to make me look less like an 80 year old, I use hair dye to cover up the fact that stress is making me go fucking white! I have a very good friend who regularly chops my hair off to make it look thicker to hide the fact that I lost a lot of my hair due to the amount my body has been through this year (I also have a range of wigs so I can change my hair to suit which bitch I want to be each day). I take iron tablets to hide the fact that I lost so much blood in surgery I needed 3 blood transfusions during surgery and then another 3 after and I am still anaemic. I use scar gel to try and fade the amount of scars that are on my body which are still very red and sore. I use extra thick fanny pads to hide the fact my new vagina is still very bulky and uncomfortable and my bowel doesn't always behave (yes I still shit myself .....radiotherapy is wonderful for your bowel). I use baggy clothes to hide the fact that my tummy is larger on one side than the other and I have a bag full of piss attached to this bulk which makes it stick out like a sore thumb!

The reason I look so well and recovered is because I make myself look that way! So no I am no where near ready to get back into the workplace, yes I am ready to flex my brain and to do this I need to work from home for a short time until my body has had time to recover, yes I will need to be supported for some time yet but is that really too much to ask?

And breathe!  1....2.....3.....4.....5......

Hello my name is Amy. I have had stage 4 cancer, I am also a paraplegic, I suffer with social anxiety and have a phobia of hospitals and anything medically related. I am also one of the most strongest bad asses you will ever wish to meet. I will not be broken, I will not be your victim, you will not bully me, you really have no idea what I am capable of but keep pushing me and you will soon find out!
 For the rest of you that come here to read my blog and my facebook page week in week out just for the sheer delight and shits and giggles, normal service will resume shortly I just needed these people to realize that Amy Robinson has never been nor never will be a victim....they need to jog on!

Everyone is capable of putting on a show, everyone is able to make it appear like we have not a care in the world, we are all guilty of hiding what is truly underneath a ton of makeup and baggy clothing (even the guys....we all know you try our make up on at some point 😂), we all play a version of ourselves day to day. People should not judge by what is on the outside but consider what is also on the darkside!

If you take one thing from today please let it be that at some point this week you ask a friend how they are really feeling, how they are really coping and actually listen.

I have another scan on Friday (yes I am shitting it) fingers crossed for me that it is another all clear and we can have a Christmas this year without cancer ruining it. I will keep you all posted soon.

Lots of love guys
Amy
xxxx

                                                    Me and my babies carving pumpkins
                   
                                                                        Halloween





   

                                                                          Bonfire Night









Some Inspirational quotes that I love!!!!!








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